Things about how I interact with God are so backwards sometimes. It's easy to say that I think faith in some shape or form action based on believing something that God said. It's equally easy to say that that by looking at my track record, that either

1)That's not what I actually believe.
or
2)That is what I believe the reality to be, I just don't care to live with faith.

Every model of faith and right relationship with God I can think of loosely follows
an interesting pattern, whether it be pre J's ministry, during J's ministry, or post J's ministry. It goes more or less like this:

1)The person lives their life for x amount of years as they see fit.
2)God says "Hey, do this instead."
3)The person does it, usually at high personal cost.
4)Somewhere down the line, after much random conflict, and confusion, plot twists, misunderstandings, misinterpretations, failures, and epic adventures, the person looks back and realizes God knew exactly what he was doing and it wasn't that random after all.
5)The passionately urges other people (younger generations, families, oppressors, peers, co-workers, whoever) to turn to, and be faithful to God.

#1-3 intrigue me the most. This is where I realize how backwards I am with God most days. In all of our biblical examples, people have to trust God based on the fact that he's God and maybe God should be trustworthy in order to experience first hand that he is, indeed, trustworthy. They act out of trust, and let God prove that he his who he says and will do what he says. That tends to not be how I roll. I want to know all that stuff first before I put anything on the line. I want to start with the passion of #5 without having to start with #1-4 to get there. That's not how things work, it's not anywhere in scripture. The way we find that passion and conviction and trust in his word is BY putting things on the line, and watching him come through.

I've spent so much time waiting for God to prove himself before I'm willing to trust him. I demand again and again that he prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's faithful, abounding in provision, able to redeem, and full of love before I'll risk anything tangible at his Word. There are many days where whether I'd say it with my mouth or not, my life declares that his matchless display of all of these qualities on the cross are not convincing enough for me. There aren't really words for how not ok that is.

All that to say, I'm relearning that to:

Psalm 34:8a
"Taste and see that the LORD is good;"

means that if you actually want to see that He's good, you actually have to taste.

My brokenness (I must confess)
Darkens all my thoughts, and hides your hands.
But questions fade before your face,
And I’m content that I may never understand.

[All that I have are questions;
So much is veiled in mystery.
But you are yourself the answer—
The only answer that I need.]

Of what I spoke I did not know—
Of things too wonderful and high for me.
In ignorance I gave offense;
I had heard of you but now my eyes have seen.